How many hearts can you break!

Its morning time and I am sitting with a cup of steaming coffee in my hand, a newspaper in the other and as I am reading through it. A gentle, cold and soothing breeze greets me. Life has been a sine curve in the last few months. I have always believed that boundaries don’t keep others out, but they fence us in. So, I jump the fences that other people have around them. I go out, I play different but I play well.

Enough has already been written about the beauty of being with people, finding the constant out of all the variability that life provides us. If you ever have been high on people, then you must know the feeling. It’s just like a thousand butterflies trying to flee from your stomach. You lose the control over your heartbeat, daydreaming seems to be the best time pass thinking of all the things you would do together with that special one. Even the most stupid of things seems to be reasonable. It’s alike some nth excited state of the hydrogen atom.

However, today I am not going to talk about how great it feels. Today I am going to talk about the other side of the coin. Enough has been written on the receiving end of the heartbreaks; today let’s see how it feels to be on the other side of the grass. Where you feel something very intensely, but the next day when you wake up, it’s not there. Something within you changes. No matter how much you try to find it, it is nowhere to be seen, like it didn’t exist. The other person is left wondering that what the heck just happened. Where did the things go wrong? And you have no answer to that!

It’s said that life can’t be happier and soothing if you have beloved ones enjoying your company. Well, to be frank, it does feel nice to have someone like that around. Falling for someone is all rainbows and butterflies, but eventually, the clouds roll. Falling out of love is a roller coaster ride of emotion, from doubt to anger to despair, and it isn’t always easy to explain what it’s like. Because it is hard to make understand what the confusion is, or how it feels to be never sure.

There is no more inhuman feeling than not being considerate of others. Every time you are a reason for heartbreak, you know you have taken one more step towards being a devil. You realize that you don’t deserve something good, that you’re selfish and a coward who can’t protect your own feelings. Every passing day you feel a little harder, a little faster, and a little melancholic in everything you do. You became anxious, obsessive and hurt with your own insensitivity towards others. There is nothing particularly wrong with you, but it’s not right either.

You only know that the only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying. The only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. You didn’t want to destroy anything or anybody. You just wanted to slip quietly out the back door, without causing any fuss or consequences, and then not stop running until you reached eternity.

So the next day, you pick yourself. Put a bright smile back on your face and move on, because you know there is no point pretending that you’re affected as you know you’re not. You go out there being yourself again, making a firm decision that you’re going to hurt no more wonderful souls. You will not have a boundary keeping people out, but then you won’t look up either for inviting someone over.

You realize that you’ve wronged people and someday karma will come back. You sit back with turbulent thoughts, like I am right now, sipping your coffee and reading about the world. Because that’s how you’ve learned to live, in pursuit of equanimity that you know doesn’t exist.  And then you know that it will be a struggle to find work or love because you will never be sure. This is the paradox of letting go.